Bang Bang....Bhaag Bhaag....

A lot has been said abount "Bang Bang" over the last 5 days. I want to add my 1 cent(saving 1 cent to watch another fantastic movie like this one).

Let me start off with a few good things about the movie:

- Jimmy Shergil only has a 2 minute role. 

- Katrina plays the role of a bank receptionist(To all those of you who don't have a bank account, go bank hopping till you find your Katrina & tell her that "hame 'badaaa' kholna hai....account"). Open an account with a small deposit. Then, for the next 2 months, allow Modi Ji to take credit of 'Jan Dhan Yojana'.

Ok. Back to the movie. The movie begins with Jimmy Shergil, an Indian Army Officer, interrogating Danny Denzongpa(or lamba Danny for Andaaz Apna Apna fans), the most wanted terrorist on the interpol's global list, in the MI6 maximum security prison. On the agenda is a global extradition treaty which will allow deportation of a gangster from any country to the country where he is a wanted criminal. A chopper lands on the roof of the prison just like that, without triggering any alarm & a score of people, including Boogie Woogie uncle enter the building through its glass facade. The british police are neutralized without too much effort, Jimmy Shergil is killed & Danny is rescued. The alarm finally goes off when Danny exits his cell(Police to police hoti hai). In order to disrupt world peace, Danny asks Jaaved Jaffrey to hire an Indian to steal the Kohinoor diamond. 

A news flash - Kohinoor stolen! Uncle in Mumbai says - Ye to hona hi thha. Ab basmati rice bhi chori ho raha hai. Kya karr diya hai mere Maharashtra ka????

Cut to Shimla....

Katrina Kaif is 20 something, works at a bank & is single. Her boss, who apparently is the nephew of his mamaji(you are always the nephew of your mamaji, btw) invites her on the 'couch' for a faster promotion & calls it "strategy". Tired of being single & leeched at, she decides to try out a dating website. 

The locales have gone international, the VFX has gone international, but mindsets continue to be desi. Katrina is shown to be in 2 minds before responding to a blind date request & accepts it hurriedly just because her grandmother keeps calling her downstairs. The next scene is hilarious. Her grandmother gives her her blessings & also the keys to a swanky sports car which is parked next to their house & tells her that it is Katrina's grandfather's car. So many years passed by & Katrina somehow never asked in her heavily accented hindi - Daaadeeee, Yaaay Keeeski Car Hai? No, but she is the dumb bank receptionist, remember?

So she meets her blind date, which is not supposed to be Hrithik Roshan, but is Hrithik Roshan. After a long conversation & a needless song, she feels the urge to relieve herself & goes into the washroom thinking she has met her Mr.Right. Meanwhile, the baddies enter the restaurant & start firing on all the patrons(a scene straight from Ram Gopal Verma's "Attacks of 26/11" in which Leopold was attacked). Katrina, dumb as always, does not hear shit while she pees. She comes out of the loo only to see that the cafe is empty & that she'll have to sleep next to her grandmother even tonight. The baddies & the secret service are both on Hrithik's trail(he is the thief who has stolen Kohinoor, if you haven't got it by now), thanks to invisible CCTV cameras, which record even the most private of meetings. Katrina has "jaan-ko-khatra", which apparently every heroine has because the guy she falls for does random shit!

So Hrithik, who has by now, become Katrina's guardian, decides to take her wherever he goes. In one scene, he tranqulizes her, takes her to an island & changes her clothes - with his eyes closed haan(Chu***a saala Katrina must have thought in her mind). Chu***a banaaya....badaa majja aaya, is what Hrithik says to himself, when Katrina believes that. 

The sidekick's sidekick reveals information about the sidekick on that very island. Hrithik & Katrina go to Prague, silence Boogie Woogie & are on their usual post dinner stroll, when the entire SWAT team of Prague police converge on them. Hrithik gives the Kohinoor to Katrina, jumps into the water & Katrina is allowed to come back home on returning the Kohinoor to the Indian Secret Service....Prague waale Paandu are given their chai paani off the camera, I suppose.

Katrina goes to Hrithik's home to find Family No.1's dad Kanwaljeet, dressed up like Ram Gopal Bajaj & Deepti Naval, looking like she was never kissed after Freaky Chakra. She asks them about Hrithik, whom they are clueless about. Kanwaljeet, is a couch potato who watches Aaj Tak all day long. Hrithik's & Katrina's pictures are published on the news & in newspapers everyday, but Daddy Chu has no idea about his son. He also tells Katrina that Hrithik was a swimming champion & can hold his breath underwater longer than a frog. Katrina smiles....She knows that Hrithik is alive.

Her joy, however, is short lived. She is soon kidnapped by Danny's men. Pawan Malhotra from secret service, is also on Danny's side now. They want the Kohinoor. Katrina gives a dead rat's ass to their intimidation. Pawan Malhotra gives her an injection, which trust me, is longer than the "ghode ka injection" given by Dr.Prem Khurana to Amar in Andaaz Apna Apna, which is actually a truth serum. She talks random stuff just to kill time till Hrithik has planted all the bombs on the complex(must have been built by Lodha because it was grandeur in the middle of nowhere). A fight ensues, Danny flees, but not before Hrithik tells him that he is Jimmy Shergil's brother. A bike spawns out of nowhere & Hrithik & Katrina give chase. Katrina is kidnapped again, this time, chained to her seat on a seaplane. Hrithik chases after them again. Just as you would imagine, a torpedo is kept on a boat, free for everyone to try their hand at shooting seagulls. Hrithik latches onto the plane using the torpedo, shoots the shit out of its engines, enters the plane, kills Danny & escapes with Katrina. The next scene shows him recuperating in hospital. The secret service chief tells him that his original identity has been destroyed & he can never go back to his family or to Katrina. Katrina enters the heavily guarded hospital as a doctor, drugs him & takes him to his house. Secret service doesn't have a clue. Normally, when a person escapes, the first place where cops go to is his own house, but these are not your ordinary run of the mill cops, this is the secret service, mind you!

The movie ends. You shake off the kernels of pop-corn from your clothes & eat that small part of the samosa crust lodged on your crotch. The world may have started with a Big Bang, but it might just end with Bang Bang!

Oh Maria....Ye Tune Kya Kiya????

Let me begin this post by stating upfront that Maria Sharapova is hot!

I do know the name of the captain of the hockey team of India. Google, you beauty!

Meanwhile, in my "piece" loving country(People don't like gravy. Only leg piece na?), people have taken to Facebook & Twitter to vent out their frustration against Maria's admission that she had not heard about Sachin. People are calling her all sorts of names - "Bit**", "Wh**e","R**di", "KRK's girlfriend(we condemn THIS one)" & what not. People have linked a simple, innocuous statement to a conspiracy. Sachin had snubbed an ad shoot with Sharapova for Canon to honor his commitment towards Airtel & this was the blonde bombshell's way of getting even with him!

How could she not have heard about Sachin? When a billion people unanimously endorse the government's decision to confer the country's highest civilian honour to a sportsman, its bound to be noticed the world over. When Maria Sharapova was asked whether she knew about the highest civilian honour, she said, "Highest, I don't know....But tallest was Andy Roddick".

A couple of days after that controversial press conference, not just Maria Sharapova, but the entire population of the United States of America, Russia & the neighbouring faecal remains of countries knows about Sachin. Dr.Sharma, from Delhi, who has just set up an ENT clinic in Mumbai claims that it was his "Hearing Aid" which has enabled Maria to hear about Sachin. Times Of India & Indian Express refused to carry his ad in their papers. Further investigation has revealed that Dr.Sharma is not even a MBBS.

Sachin meanwhile,  cares a shit about the whole episode. Sardara Singh has become the most searched Indian Sportsman. Indians have stopped saying - "Ye PSPO Nahi Jaanta????" and started saying - "Dafaqqqqqq....Ye Sachin Ko Nahi Jaanti????"

Saanp CD

I was in my teens & had just started drinking. Believe it or not, my first drink was a sip from a glass of gin & lemon, which a female friend of mine was drinking. I graduated from gin to beer, from beer to vodka, from vodka to rum & finally settled at Whisky. But the "keeda" or undying urge to try out new varieties & brands kept growing by the day. 

A group of friends had been to Goa for a week. Nobody seemed to miss me for the first 4 days, or so I felt. On the 4th night, I got a call from a friend from there & as is customary, the phone went around the group, with everyone wanting to speak to me, as if it was the last phone conversation between us. There were a total of 4 "BCs", 3 "MCs" & countless "chu***as" said to me during the course of the conversation - all in good spirit, FYI....

At the end of it all, the only person in his senses gave away the secret. My cronies were at the beach, drinking "fenny", a local goan alcoholic beverage. I had heard a lot of things about it, but never had the chance to have it. I requested my friends to get me a bottle. 

When they returned after a week, I got a call from a friend. 

Your bottle of fenny is with me. When are you coming to get it?

I will pick it up on my way back from college. 

Ok. Dude. I have kept it in my wardrobe. Just incase I am not at home, just tell mom you need to pick up a CD. Walk up to my room, put the bottle in your backpack & leave.

Ok.

I hung up the phone. This friend, I knew since the last 15 years & had shared a bench with him on my first day at kindergarten. His parents, knew me since I was a toddler too & were like family to me. 

When I went to his place, he wasn't at home. Just as he had instructed me, I sneaked into his room & pulled out the bottle from his wardrobe, where it was neatly concealed under a pile of crisply ironed shirts. Just to be safe, I also picked up a CD, on which was written - "Windows XP Installer". I was pushing the bottle into my backpack & just then, I saw his father, standing at the door, looking at me with suspicion. 

What's in the bottle, beta?

Noth....Nothing uncle...Just water. I actually do not drink water in pet bottles. You know there's a risk in using them, right? - Thanks to my presence of mind. 

Ok. I actually needed some help from you. I have some people from office who are sitting in my room next door & I can't get Microsoft Office working. Can you help me fix it?

Sure uncle, I volunteered.

I walked into his office. A bunch of middle aged men were sitting, looking at me with a lot of expectations. 

I examined the computer. The operating system had to be reinstalled. I told uncle that I would return in sometime with the setup CD. 

Its right there in your hand - Said one of his colleagues, with the same enthusiasm as Columbus' when he discovered America. 

Oh yeah. I exclaimed & put the CD into the drive. 

While all this was happening, his dad, feeling thirsty, opened the bottle of fenny behind my back & took a long sip. The fenny, thankfully did not enter his system, because he squirted all of it out, when the "Windows XP Installer" CD autoplayed & Windows Media Player showed Pamela Anderson in all her glory!!!!

Since that day, till the day we conversed using landlines, I have used an alias whenever I wanted to talk to that friend of mine!!!!

Because English is a bery phunny language!!!!

It was at a remote place in Tamil Nadu, where I had been to, for a month long induction at my last job. After a rather boring classroom session, me & 8 friends of mine, went to the nearby cafe. Sohail, who gave the order to the waiter, had asked each one of us what we would prefer between tea & coffee. 

The waiters, or for that matter, the local people,  in the southern part of this country do not understand Hindi & even if they do, do not show any signs of understanding. This is to keep bargaining at bay in most cases. So the order was placed in English - "We will have 7 Tea, 2 Coffee".

Coffee is not made in glasses, but pours out of faucets, in hotels in the south. Tea, at most, takes 10 minutes to prepare. However, our order did not arrive, even after 20 minutes. So we called the waiter & asked him about it. He said he will give us whatever is ready & the rest, later. We all agreed.

After another couple of minutes, the waiter arrived with a tray full of cups. A cursory glance was enough to realize that the cups in the tray, far outnumbered the number of people in the cafe. The waiter rested the tray on our table & started walking back to the kitchen. We realized that all cups had coffee in them. Sohail called him & said that the order was for just 2 cups of coffee & people were dying to have tea!

The waiter got agitated for no reason, or so it seemed at that instant. 

He said that we had ordered Seventy Two coffees. 

Thankfully, when we took it up with the owner of the cafe, common sense prevailed. As a goodwil gesture, we each had 2 cups of coffee & left. 

To this day, people keep requesting Sohail to read "Wren & Martin's Grammar".

Sir, Aapne Bataaya Nahi, Aaj Mera Birthday Hai?

It was the last year of engineering. The good times had begun. Most of the batch was placed in the best IT companies of this country. It was also that time of the year, when the college bore a festive look, with the cultural, sports & tech events going on. The "couples" in our batch were also making the most of the free time that they had, perhaps the only time in the 4 years of engineering. 

I had a classmate by the name of Anita(name changed to protect identity), who had been in the same class as me, right since junior college. We were such good friends, that she had been to my place numerous times & likewise. Her parents knew me well & would expect that I escort their daughters back home safely, whenever we had extra lectures or when we got late during these college fests.

Anita, on that rather uneventful evening, had left college a little early. She was supposed to meet her boyfriend - Sushant. Her parents, probably had no idea about Sushant, because with their orthodox nature, they would never approve of their relationship.

Cellphones, in those days, were more a thing of luxury than a necessity & we usually, used the landline on most ocassions. That night, right after dinner, at around 9PM, I got a call from Anita's landline. She had a car & used to ask me at night, if I wanted a lift to college the next day. Expecting that, I answered the phone. The voice on the other end was not hers. 

"Happy Birthday Beta!", I recognized her mom's voice. 

"But Aunty, my birthday was 10 days back", I replied. 

"What?!", Her mom shrieked & disconnected the line.

Anita's cute little romance was nipped in the bud. We went from being "best" friends to just classmates. 

Will you take this to the grave dad????

I came back from work. The roads were surprisingly, not congested. The little lane I live in, in which not more than a dozen cars pass in the day, was however choc-a-block with cars honking & flashing their lights. I thought there was some idiot who had parked his car at the wrong place, which led to the snarl. I decided to get off the rickshaw & walk the last 50 metres or so. When I reached my building, I was shocked to see a big crowd gathered around a fire tender. There was a fireman atop a ladder & he was right opposite my living room window. 

My heart rate more than doubled. I started perspiring even when it was 25 degrees, a relatively cold evening in Mumbai. I feared the worst. Was my house gutted completely? Was my family safe? 

But wait! Wouldn't there have been smoke had the house been on fire? I asked one of the people who had gathered & whom i identified as a person living in the next building,  what had happened. I came to know from him that a crow was stuck in a kite thread & the fire brigade was there to help free it from its misery. 

It was like lifting the lid off a pressure cooker. Unable to find words to vent the pent up pressure, I yelled loudly - "Which chu***a calls a fire brigade to rescue a f**king crow?" The entire crowd now looked towards me. Realizing that everyone had heard what I supposedly should have said in my mind, I lowered my gaze & ran to my house. 

When I went home, I saw my dad standing at the window, watching the firemen at work, wondering if the crow would ever fly again. He looked around at me & then turned again to look at the rescue act & said - "Poor thing has been stuck there for the last 2 hours. I couldn't bear to see his plight & called the Fire Brigade."

Dad, I said. Do me a favour, will you? Please don't, for god's sake, ever in your life, tell anyone, that YOU called the Fire Brigade!!!!

Kiss Ko Kiss Kiya Bhai????

I am at the age where the hairline recedes & the waistline advances. The changes are so rapid that I have to go shopping for new clothes every 3 months. It was at a nearby mall, in the last month, that I went shopping with my wife. I picked up a couple of shirts & trousers & went to the trial room. My wife, dutiful as ever, was picking out more clothes & passing them over to me in the trial room. The objective was to save time & not let go of the trial room once I was inside. We all know how much waiting time there is, to get inside a public toilet & a trial room in India!!!!

The reason for my shopping, this time, was a happy one. I had joined a gym & had knocked a good 2 inches off my waist. I was excited to go from a waist size of 40, down to 38. When my wife knocked on the door & slid in a few more trousers from the narrow gap of the opened door, I kissed her hand.

I tried out all the clothes that were given to me & then, sorted the ones I wanted to buy & carried them out with me. I saw my wife on the phone, a little further from the booth I was in. I showed her the clothes & gestured towards her to go to the billing counter, so as to not interrupt the conversation she was having on the phone. 

As soon as she hung up, she said, "Where is the sales girl who was passing you the clothes? She said there is a 50% sale on punjabi dresses!"

That was the last time I ever visited that mall.